Thursday, April 14, 2011

Okay (deep breath)

I'm making the big move.
I'm not sure I'm ready or not but we never are right?

I'm going a step more public...still not a fan of outright broadcasting everything but looking forward to some new design, exciting new features, and perhaps eventually some ad money.

Come find me:
Calamity Jennye

I know moving sucks but most of you have known me long enough to know you won't find me in any one place for too long :)

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Thank You For Bein A Friend

I've been thinking for the last two days about this next post.
Unfortunately I've been so exhausted I haven't gotten my act together to actually write it.
Esme and I went back into Manhattan for a couple days and had a great time enjoying the sun, the parks and time with Uncle Steve, Auntie Anna and YaYa.

On the way into the city I listened to the same Wailin Jennys CD I talked about in the last post.
This time when the song One Voice came on I found myself listening closely to the fourth verse:

This is the sound of all of us
Singing with love and the will to trust
Leave the rest behind it will turn to dust
This is the sound of all of us

What hit me more clearly than ever is that I need to be done wasting time and energy on the one friend who has chosen to leave, has so clearly decided to be the opposite of a friend.
It is not only a waste but says all the wrong things to the rest of you.

What I have realized again and again throughout this process is how lucky and blessed I am. There are so many of you who have supported Esme and me in so many ways.
I think every single one of you reading this blog has in some way grealy impacted my life recently.
Whether you've called or e mailed, shared your home or vehicle, offered to move me out my old house or threatened to move me into an asylum if I so much as think about going back.

There is no way I could feel more loved or supported than I have in the last few months. I want each and every one of you to know how much I appreciate that.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

One Voice Indeed

Had a great lunch with a friend yesterday and it got me thinking about a lot of different things.
One of my favorite parts (in retrospect) was when he asked me how I don't cry myself to sleep every night. Driving home I realized the real answer to that question; that would be such a waste when there is so much good reality television that needs watching.
And really when I can watch other people's insane dramas it is so much easier to believe mine are not that big a deal.
But...it always comes back, and he's right this time it is a big deal.
On the drive into lunch yesterday I was listening to a Wailin' Jennys cd (to know me is to know I love The Wailin Jennys almost as much as The Gilmore Girls). The beautiful song One Voice came on, it was a really hard moment for me.
Almost one year ago five of us went to a Wailin Jennys concert together right before I moved away from Philadelphia. That concert was the first time I heard this song. "His best friend" was one of the people with us at this concert. The song is about how we can all come together and truly help each other.
"this is the sound of voices two
the sound of me singing with you
helping each other to make it through
this is the sound of voices two."
It was such a hard reminder that someone I expected to be there for me. Someone who I expected to be there for myself is completely and totally not.
After lunch I spent some time walking around the city, wandering through my favorite stores.
I didn't intend this, but halfway through I realized this was an activity I would normally have done with her. The plans I had tried to make to go out for a drink with friends were plans I would have made with her too.
So, of course I did the only thing someone like me would do...I e mailed her. (this is a perfect opportunity to utilize the comments section...feel free to tell me how crazy you think I am, I can handle it).

I may or may not have mentioned that previous to this I've sent her two texts. Neither one was cruel but they were both honest and painful.

This e mail was the same. As much as I hate it, it has continued to be important to me that she know how I feel. I'm sure part of me hopes that if she can remember some of our time together, our previous conversations, that people other than she and my husband have feelings, then maybe she will snap out of this.

This hope is not because I want my husband back. I have seen and heard a lot of truth in the two months we've been apart, I am fully convinced that he has no interest in anyone but himself, there was no happiness to be found anymore in our marriage and it was a horrible environment in which to raise our daughter.
My hope for this friend is that she will not waste all the years that I did figuring this out. That she will realize not only can you not succeed at making him happy, but he is so wrapped up in himself, and at this point in his own self destruction that he will bring her down with him.

She responded to my e mail with one of her own and the last line in her e mail was:
"Thank you for e mailing me. I don't expect you to want to have anything to do with me, but if you want to talk I am here."

And so I got sad again, I would love to talk but I have nothing to say that she would hear. It gives me hope, to know that she would even talk to me, makes me want to believe she's not bought into all his lies.
Realistically I'm back at square one. I'm not sure our e mails accomplished anything. But as I said in my e mail to her "I hope there will be a day when we can move past this and speak again." I'm confident that day will not come anytime soon. I'm nowhere near close to forgiveness.

But then again neither of them have asked me for it and as the same friend reminded me at lunch, one thing that tends to help in the process of forgiveness is someone desiring it. Maybe by then I'll be ready.

Friday, April 8, 2011

A quick question...and I really could use opinions on this one

So...there's a lot of drama going on right now as you all may have noticed.
My work life has been, at points in the last year, equally unpleasant to my home life. (and those have been the high points).
Anyway. I'm starting a new job at the end of April and that's marvelous on so many fronts, not the least of which is that it will allow me more time home with Esme.

In addition to starting my new job I've been working on moving my website to one that's a bit more public, you may have noticed the slow introduction of more names, I'm still not ready to make a bold announcement to the world about everything I'm saying here...but all of this is to say that change, it is a comin'.

What I'm really wondering is when I make this move to a new address would you all hate me if I added ads to my blog?
I'm hoping they might be something you all would click on every now and then (perhaps more now than then) in support of my new job (read less income) and what I sadly anticipate to be upcoming legal bills.

Before I do it I was just hoping you would all give me some idea if you could continue to support me even if I became a sell out...
Honestly...for once could I get some comments here? Tell me what you think!
If you hate the idea I promise I won't take it personally...we'll still talk, you know, eventually

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Just one of the bright spots

Me:  How about you take a nap and then you can play with your new Polly Pocket pool afterwards?

Esme: Weeelll mama, I have an idea, how about if I play with the Polly's beforewards?

mutual giggling ensued...followed by much use of the word beforewards for the rest of the day.

Anyone know where they keep the fun around here?

I'm at a loss for how to begin processing the last few days.
I decided I needed to stay here at my brothers for a few more weeks to try to distance myself from all the pain, and craziness going on at "home".
I am truly ready to begin moving forward but that feels like an impossibility when I still don't know the truth of the past. Andrew still isn't speaking to me other than to send hateful and mildly threatening text messages, and those sure aren't helping me process.

When I told him I needed to stay here longer he threatened to "arrange for somebody to come pick Esme up and drive her back" that made me so frustrated. He's going to feign this great concern for his daughter but really he can't even pull that off. Every time he expresses concern for her it's concern that he might not get his time with her, even that isn't about her, but about him. And then when he takes this concern to the extreme instead of coming to collect her himself (which would demonstrate his ultimate concern) he intends to arrange for someone else to come.  Anyone else vote that he's probably sending "his best friend"?

Then when I make it clear that it is not an option for me to send her back to his world of lies and confusion his response is to ask how I would feel if he took her on an extended trip.
There was only one response I wanted to make to that statement. Since I know it wouldn't have helped I resisted...but I have to get it out of my system here.

How would he feel if I had been sleeping with another man for the last 1 - 4 - 6 - 8 months?
Probably not as bad as I feel knowing he was and I guess that's the whole point.

I've truly done nothing throughout this process but show concern for his and Esme's well being. He refused to move out and really wanted the house...I didn't care because I can create a home anywhere (note the last 8 years of my life). I gave him the house.
He wanted to disappear and told me flat out he didn't care if he ever saw his daughter again.
I finally faced off with him, stuck my foot in the door when he tried to slam it in my face, and told him straight up that would be one of the worst decisions he could make (too bad I didn't already know about the worse decisions he had made).
I encouraged him to stay, by giving him the house he wanted and encouraged him to spend all the time he wanted, 2 days and 3 nights a week with his daughter. Even though all of you saw how much those days and nights killed me.

When his girlfriend moved in for her extended visit I put Esme's well being first by refusing to let her spend the night in the house with them, but still sent her there for two day long visits with them. I still wonder if I made the right choice since she came home from the first day and announced to a room full of friends that "daddy was having a sleepover just like she was. Daddy was sleeping with (insert "his best friends name here)".  Then she came to me in tears confused about why this person was sleeping in mommy's bed with daddy.

There are some things you just never anticipate having to explain to your 3 year old.

So through all of this I have explained patiently, and tirelessly that I am now trying to protect my daughter and I from this continuous stream of bad decisions.

And now I need a break! I need a few weeks of fun, a few weeks to think about what I want out of life rather than react to what he wants. A chance to take Esme to parks, play with her, love her and have fun.

And all he's willing to give me is the threat of a lawsuit. Boy did I pick a winner or what?

Home Reno at its worst

Yesterday was officially day of exhaustion.
I feel emotionally, physically, mentally worn out.
It was raining outside. Esme and I spent a lot of the day cuddling on the couch watching movies.
I figure the healthy cuddling negates the unhealthy tv watching (you have to do what it takes to get through these things).

Anyway I'm officially tired of feeling ill and unsettled. I'm really ready to move on, I just have no idea how one even begins to do that. There are a few things lately I've been thinking about in hopes that they'll help me move forward.

One of the things is that I've been reading Elizabeth Gilbert's book Committed. I know it may seem like a strange choice but I'm enjoying her research and thoughts on how marriage has evolved. Early on in this blog I talked about how all I really wanted was a partnership. That's something she talks about in this book quite a bit. If you talk with people from other cultures you can see how they don't expect their partners to fulfill or complete them. Marriage always used to be, and in many cultures still is a partnership necessary for survival. There was one section where she talked about the women working together all day and families sleeping entirely in one house (like 11 members of a family in a 2 room house). I kind of like this thought that just like raising a child, having a successful marriage also takes a village.
When a number of people in your "village" stop supporting your marriage it will have negative consequences.
In my life it only took two people wavering in their support and the sad thing is that the downfall of my marriage has also had negative consequences on my village. That is the part that I am really sad about. (as if losing my husband wasn't enough).

Lately a number of my friends have also been expressing to me their thoughts on whether or not men and women can actually be friends. There was another great section in Committed where she talks about a well known researchers approach to knowing if your relationships are healthy.
She described a marriage as a home with walls and windows. The walls are the supports you and your spouse have built for your marriage and the windows are the places where others are allowed to enter your relationship. If you start sharing things with a friend of the opposite sex that you should be sharing with your spouse you essentially replace one of those walls with a window. Sensing that the integrity of your home's structure is becoming comprimised you build a wall between you and your spouse to try to salvage it.
In the end, with all the movement of walls and windows you've rebuilt your whole house and you, and your spouse find yourselves in a completely foreign environment.
And from my experience you're a bit confused about how you even got there.

I have to say that has been a huge analogy for me. As I read it I could see where the extra windows started breaking through and I could identify the times when Andrew built up extra walls to try to keep things "normal". What a painful realization this was. At the time I told myself we were still living in the same house so things must still be okay, ah if only I had known.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

The post where I mention S-E-X

This post comes with it's own warning...There may be some things here you don't all want to think about.
My goal with this blog is to be honest, both for myself as a record of where I've been, and for anyone else who may end up where I've been.

Okay...I'll just get the awkward part over:
I woke up this morning from a dream that I was having sex with my husband. Nothing very risque but I woke up feeling happy with a feeling that was like, finally, this is where I've wanted to be, he does care for me.
Then as soon as I snapped fully awake my first realization was that he was more than likely having sex with someone else, perhaps even right at that moment.
All of a sudden it felt like I was waking up from someone elses dream.
It was like a slap.
Nothing like waking up with that kind of reality thrown in your face.

I'm sure these moments are inevitable and once I got over the shock of the slap I was able to move on relatively quickly.

I'm not sure if it was looking over and seeing my daughter next to me, knowing that the only reality I need is not going anywhere anytime soon.
Or if it was the realization that those moments were not the important ones in our relationship.
Or maybe, most importantly it's starting to sink in that nothing...not even brief moments of feeling loved, feeling like I was the most important person in the world to him. None of that was worth the rest of the constant pain and feelings of failure.

I feel like such a sharp pain is easier to move on from. The dull constancy of knowing that another woman is sleeping in my bed is almost more than I can bear. But the intense and fleeting realization that what I'm dreaming she may actually be experiencing was somehow easier to cast aside.

I guess really I just want to acknowledge that there are these moments. Will be these moments. Some easier to handle than others, but I will have to find a way to move on from them. I will be stronger and a bit happier every time I move on from one of them.
Hate it when I get something wrong. Just need you to know it's definitely track 10 on Be OK that's the dance party.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

I just want to be ok today

I didn't intend to blog this weekend but I have to share that today was an even better day than yesterday, if that's possible.
The sun was shining, we played in Central Park, did some walking around the city, had a wonderful lunch with friends and family then the best part of the day:
Esme and I rocked out to Ingrid Michaelson in the car on the way home. We even had a dance party in the driveway.
I had no idea Ingrid Michaelson was such a good soundtrack for my life right now but I really enjoyed her cd a friend burned for me.There is just the right amount of upbeat and heartbreak songs. The Way I Am (track 8) was the dance party inspiring song.
Driving home at the end of the day I felt joy, peace, sunned and free. I can't actually remember the last time I felt as light as I did driving my own car and enjoying music I had chosen and the company of my daughter.
I know that I am on the verge of having no plan for my life and I know how much that should terrify me, it does terrify me a little. But mostly I feel like everyone's right. I need to take some time, do a lot of thinking, analyzing, pro/con listing and figure out what it is I want and need from life.
It's a lot to figure out. I don't expect I'll have many questions answered immediately but I am definitely warming to the idea of taking some time to start asking the questions.

I really do hope you all are enjoying your weekend as much as I am. I'm sure I'll need some prayers tomorrow morning as we visit our old church. I expect there will be some questions waiting there for me as well, and those aren't the kind that will have easy answers either.
For now at least I feel refreshed and ready for the challenge!

Friday, April 1, 2011

the Bonnie Banks O' Loch Lomond

We're here...in the city that never sleeps! And ironically enough last night was my first good, uninterrupted night of sleep in at least two weeks. Was it the vodka? The city sounds? The three am bedtime? Ours is not to reason why :)
It feels so good to be here, even walking around the city in the rain feels marvelous.
There's only been minimal drama, who knew the drama could even find me here?

We spent today with our friends Yaya (esme's nickname for her), Sara and baby Ingrid, we went to this really great kids spot called Moomah. Esme did an art project, then both girls played in the funky forest, this really great room where the kids can channel the LED water splashing all over the floor. By using pillow "logs" they have to get the water over to one wall where it helps the trees grow. Then they stand in front of that wall and their movement gets the the trees to grow...I have no idea how they do it but it was super cool and they both really loved it.

Next we wandered on the streets the 1.5 miles home. Stopping in stores, only nearly freezing to death, annoying the important manhattanites by walking side by side with our strollers. It was a nearly perfect day. Sun would have made it perfect, but as we all know a girl can't have things too perfect.

I felt beyond blessed to have the support of two great friends today, but especially my best friend since the fourth grade. I have always felt truly blessed to be surrounded by numerous wise and involved women and today took that to the nth degree. Sara listened, vented (just a tiny bit), supported me, listened some more, offered her wisdom, and then invited us to stay at her house! Who could imagine a better friend? I certainly could not and I'm so thankful to have her in my life.

Having her with me was especially perfect timing since I got an e mail from "his best friend"'s husband last night, followed by one this morning. His e mails have confirmed much of what I've suspected/known. I wish that made them less painful but I suppose there's nothing that could do that. He has no animosity toward me, I am actually shocked at the lack of animosity he has toward his wife.

I have to say that in all of this I have been pretty proud of myself for the high road I've taken. I haven't resorted to any name calling, have always taken the time to respond to all communications calmly. Have at every turn asked myself: "Is this what I want to see when I look back at this situation. Is this the reaction I want to remember myself having. Will this response make the future Jennye proud of the past Jennye?"

Before tonight I would not have thought there was a higher road I could be taking. But talking to him was somewhat astonishing. If there is a higher road he has found it. The love and concern in his voice for his wife was inspiring and saddening all at once. We had to agree that this is a miserable situation with no happiness around for any of the parties. And still he has forgiveness in his heart for what she has done.

I can only wish I had come that far.

But for now, on to more adventures. I'm going to spend tomorrow just simply enjoying the city. I'm not going to think about any of this, I'm going to try to stop feeling ill, I'm going to love my daughter and revel in family.

I hope you all have plans to have a marvelous weekend as well!

Flying High

Yesterday I attempted to post via my phone for the first time.
As many of you have seen and commented that didn't work so well.
(despite the text I got from blogger saying "Success! Your post made it to your blog.")

So what it was supposed to say:
If you've flown as much as I have you have many habits and routines that are part of every trip to the airport.
One of my routines for the past 10 years has been to call Andrew from the gate to say goodbye. So here I am sitting at the gate, waiting for our flight and you guys will have to be my last call instead.

Esme and I are headed to the East Coast. By tonight I will be eating a Cobb Salad at my favorite restaurant. Tomorrow we will walk the city. I promise to have fun, post some more lighthearted and enjoyable content for you all to read, I'm even going to try to take some pictures!

Try not to miss us too much, we'll talk soon!