I'm making the big move.
I'm not sure I'm ready or not but we never are right?
I'm going a step more public...still not a fan of outright broadcasting everything but looking forward to some new design, exciting new features, and perhaps eventually some ad money.
Come find me:
Calamity Jennye
I know moving sucks but most of you have known me long enough to know you won't find me in any one place for too long :)
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Thank You For Bein A Friend
I've been thinking for the last two days about this next post.
Unfortunately I've been so exhausted I haven't gotten my act together to actually write it.
Esme and I went back into Manhattan for a couple days and had a great time enjoying the sun, the parks and time with Uncle Steve, Auntie Anna and YaYa.
On the way into the city I listened to the same Wailin Jennys CD I talked about in the last post.
This time when the song One Voice came on I found myself listening closely to the fourth verse:
What hit me more clearly than ever is that I need to be done wasting time and energy on the one friend who has chosen to leave, has so clearly decided to be the opposite of a friend.
It is not only a waste but says all the wrong things to the rest of you.
What I have realized again and again throughout this process is how lucky and blessed I am. There are so many of you who have supported Esme and me in so many ways.
I think every single one of you reading this blog has in some way grealy impacted my life recently.
Whether you've called or e mailed, shared your home or vehicle, offered to move me out my old house or threatened to move me into an asylum if I so much as think about going back.
There is no way I could feel more loved or supported than I have in the last few months. I want each and every one of you to know how much I appreciate that.
Unfortunately I've been so exhausted I haven't gotten my act together to actually write it.
Esme and I went back into Manhattan for a couple days and had a great time enjoying the sun, the parks and time with Uncle Steve, Auntie Anna and YaYa.
On the way into the city I listened to the same Wailin Jennys CD I talked about in the last post.
This time when the song One Voice came on I found myself listening closely to the fourth verse:
This is the sound of all of us
Singing with love and the will to trust
Leave the rest behind it will turn to dust
This is the sound of all of us
What hit me more clearly than ever is that I need to be done wasting time and energy on the one friend who has chosen to leave, has so clearly decided to be the opposite of a friend.
It is not only a waste but says all the wrong things to the rest of you.
What I have realized again and again throughout this process is how lucky and blessed I am. There are so many of you who have supported Esme and me in so many ways.
I think every single one of you reading this blog has in some way grealy impacted my life recently.
Whether you've called or e mailed, shared your home or vehicle, offered to move me out my old house or threatened to move me into an asylum if I so much as think about going back.
There is no way I could feel more loved or supported than I have in the last few months. I want each and every one of you to know how much I appreciate that.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
One Voice Indeed
Had a great lunch with a friend yesterday and it got me thinking about a lot of different things.
One of my favorite parts (in retrospect) was when he asked me how I don't cry myself to sleep every night. Driving home I realized the real answer to that question; that would be such a waste when there is so much good reality television that needs watching.
And really when I can watch other people's insane dramas it is so much easier to believe mine are not that big a deal.
But...it always comes back, and he's right this time it is a big deal.
On the drive into lunch yesterday I was listening to a Wailin' Jennys cd (to know me is to know I love The Wailin Jennys almost as much as The Gilmore Girls). The beautiful song One Voice came on, it was a really hard moment for me.
Almost one year ago five of us went to a Wailin Jennys concert together right before I moved away from Philadelphia. That concert was the first time I heard this song. "His best friend" was one of the people with us at this concert. The song is about how we can all come together and truly help each other.
After lunch I spent some time walking around the city, wandering through my favorite stores.
I didn't intend this, but halfway through I realized this was an activity I would normally have done with her. The plans I had tried to make to go out for a drink with friends were plans I would have made with her too.
So, of course I did the only thing someone like me would do...I e mailed her. (this is a perfect opportunity to utilize the comments section...feel free to tell me how crazy you think I am, I can handle it).
I may or may not have mentioned that previous to this I've sent her two texts. Neither one was cruel but they were both honest and painful.
This e mail was the same. As much as I hate it, it has continued to be important to me that she know how I feel. I'm sure part of me hopes that if she can remember some of our time together, our previous conversations, that people other than she and my husband have feelings, then maybe she will snap out of this.
This hope is not because I want my husband back. I have seen and heard a lot of truth in the two months we've been apart, I am fully convinced that he has no interest in anyone but himself, there was no happiness to be found anymore in our marriage and it was a horrible environment in which to raise our daughter.
My hope for this friend is that she will not waste all the years that I did figuring this out. That she will realize not only can you not succeed at making him happy, but he is so wrapped up in himself, and at this point in his own self destruction that he will bring her down with him.
She responded to my e mail with one of her own and the last line in her e mail was:
"Thank you for e mailing me. I don't expect you to want to have anything to do with me, but if you want to talk I am here."
And so I got sad again, I would love to talk but I have nothing to say that she would hear. It gives me hope, to know that she would even talk to me, makes me want to believe she's not bought into all his lies.
Realistically I'm back at square one. I'm not sure our e mails accomplished anything. But as I said in my e mail to her "I hope there will be a day when we can move past this and speak again." I'm confident that day will not come anytime soon. I'm nowhere near close to forgiveness.
But then again neither of them have asked me for it and as the same friend reminded me at lunch, one thing that tends to help in the process of forgiveness is someone desiring it. Maybe by then I'll be ready.
One of my favorite parts (in retrospect) was when he asked me how I don't cry myself to sleep every night. Driving home I realized the real answer to that question; that would be such a waste when there is so much good reality television that needs watching.
And really when I can watch other people's insane dramas it is so much easier to believe mine are not that big a deal.
But...it always comes back, and he's right this time it is a big deal.
On the drive into lunch yesterday I was listening to a Wailin' Jennys cd (to know me is to know I love The Wailin Jennys almost as much as The Gilmore Girls). The beautiful song One Voice came on, it was a really hard moment for me.
Almost one year ago five of us went to a Wailin Jennys concert together right before I moved away from Philadelphia. That concert was the first time I heard this song. "His best friend" was one of the people with us at this concert. The song is about how we can all come together and truly help each other.
"this is the sound of voices two
the sound of me singing with you
helping each other to make it through
this is the sound of voices two."
It was such a hard reminder that someone I expected to be there for me. Someone who I expected to be there for myself is completely and totally not. After lunch I spent some time walking around the city, wandering through my favorite stores.
I didn't intend this, but halfway through I realized this was an activity I would normally have done with her. The plans I had tried to make to go out for a drink with friends were plans I would have made with her too.
So, of course I did the only thing someone like me would do...I e mailed her. (this is a perfect opportunity to utilize the comments section...feel free to tell me how crazy you think I am, I can handle it).
I may or may not have mentioned that previous to this I've sent her two texts. Neither one was cruel but they were both honest and painful.
This e mail was the same. As much as I hate it, it has continued to be important to me that she know how I feel. I'm sure part of me hopes that if she can remember some of our time together, our previous conversations, that people other than she and my husband have feelings, then maybe she will snap out of this.
This hope is not because I want my husband back. I have seen and heard a lot of truth in the two months we've been apart, I am fully convinced that he has no interest in anyone but himself, there was no happiness to be found anymore in our marriage and it was a horrible environment in which to raise our daughter.
My hope for this friend is that she will not waste all the years that I did figuring this out. That she will realize not only can you not succeed at making him happy, but he is so wrapped up in himself, and at this point in his own self destruction that he will bring her down with him.
She responded to my e mail with one of her own and the last line in her e mail was:
"Thank you for e mailing me. I don't expect you to want to have anything to do with me, but if you want to talk I am here."
And so I got sad again, I would love to talk but I have nothing to say that she would hear. It gives me hope, to know that she would even talk to me, makes me want to believe she's not bought into all his lies.
Realistically I'm back at square one. I'm not sure our e mails accomplished anything. But as I said in my e mail to her "I hope there will be a day when we can move past this and speak again." I'm confident that day will not come anytime soon. I'm nowhere near close to forgiveness.
But then again neither of them have asked me for it and as the same friend reminded me at lunch, one thing that tends to help in the process of forgiveness is someone desiring it. Maybe by then I'll be ready.
Friday, April 8, 2011
A quick question...and I really could use opinions on this one
So...there's a lot of drama going on right now as you all may have noticed.
My work life has been, at points in the last year, equally unpleasant to my home life. (and those have been the high points).
Anyway. I'm starting a new job at the end of April and that's marvelous on so many fronts, not the least of which is that it will allow me more time home with Esme.
In addition to starting my new job I've been working on moving my website to one that's a bit more public, you may have noticed the slow introduction of more names, I'm still not ready to make a bold announcement to the world about everything I'm saying here...but all of this is to say that change, it is a comin'.
What I'm really wondering is when I make this move to a new address would you all hate me if I added ads to my blog?
I'm hoping they might be something you all would click on every now and then (perhaps more now than then) in support of my new job (read less income) and what I sadly anticipate to be upcoming legal bills.
Before I do it I was just hoping you would all give me some idea if you could continue to support me even if I became a sell out...
Honestly...for once could I get some comments here? Tell me what you think!
If you hate the idea I promise I won't take it personally...we'll still talk, you know, eventually
My work life has been, at points in the last year, equally unpleasant to my home life. (and those have been the high points).
Anyway. I'm starting a new job at the end of April and that's marvelous on so many fronts, not the least of which is that it will allow me more time home with Esme.
In addition to starting my new job I've been working on moving my website to one that's a bit more public, you may have noticed the slow introduction of more names, I'm still not ready to make a bold announcement to the world about everything I'm saying here...but all of this is to say that change, it is a comin'.
What I'm really wondering is when I make this move to a new address would you all hate me if I added ads to my blog?
I'm hoping they might be something you all would click on every now and then (perhaps more now than then) in support of my new job (read less income) and what I sadly anticipate to be upcoming legal bills.
Before I do it I was just hoping you would all give me some idea if you could continue to support me even if I became a sell out...
Honestly...for once could I get some comments here? Tell me what you think!
If you hate the idea I promise I won't take it personally...we'll still talk, you know, eventually
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Just one of the bright spots
Me: How about you take a nap and then you can play with your new Polly Pocket pool afterwards?
Esme: Weeelll mama, I have an idea, how about if I play with the Polly's beforewards?
mutual giggling ensued...followed by much use of the word beforewards for the rest of the day.
Esme: Weeelll mama, I have an idea, how about if I play with the Polly's beforewards?
mutual giggling ensued...followed by much use of the word beforewards for the rest of the day.
Anyone know where they keep the fun around here?
I'm at a loss for how to begin processing the last few days.
I decided I needed to stay here at my brothers for a few more weeks to try to distance myself from all the pain, and craziness going on at "home".
I am truly ready to begin moving forward but that feels like an impossibility when I still don't know the truth of the past. Andrew still isn't speaking to me other than to send hateful and mildly threatening text messages, and those sure aren't helping me process.
When I told him I needed to stay here longer he threatened to "arrange for somebody to come pick Esme up and drive her back" that made me so frustrated. He's going to feign this great concern for his daughter but really he can't even pull that off. Every time he expresses concern for her it's concern that he might not get his time with her, even that isn't about her, but about him. And then when he takes this concern to the extreme instead of coming to collect her himself (which would demonstrate his ultimate concern) he intends to arrange for someone else to come. Anyone else vote that he's probably sending "his best friend"?
Then when I make it clear that it is not an option for me to send her back to his world of lies and confusion his response is to ask how I would feel if he took her on an extended trip.
There was only one response I wanted to make to that statement. Since I know it wouldn't have helped I resisted...but I have to get it out of my system here.
How would he feel if I had been sleeping with another man for the last 1 - 4 - 6 - 8 months?
Probably not as bad as I feel knowing he was and I guess that's the whole point.
I've truly done nothing throughout this process but show concern for his and Esme's well being. He refused to move out and really wanted the house...I didn't care because I can create a home anywhere (note the last 8 years of my life). I gave him the house.
He wanted to disappear and told me flat out he didn't care if he ever saw his daughter again.
I finally faced off with him, stuck my foot in the door when he tried to slam it in my face, and told him straight up that would be one of the worst decisions he could make (too bad I didn't already know about the worse decisions he had made).
I encouraged him to stay, by giving him the house he wanted and encouraged him to spend all the time he wanted, 2 days and 3 nights a week with his daughter. Even though all of you saw how much those days and nights killed me.
When his girlfriend moved in for her extended visit I put Esme's well being first by refusing to let her spend the night in the house with them, but still sent her there for two day long visits with them. I still wonder if I made the right choice since she came home from the first day and announced to a room full of friends that "daddy was having a sleepover just like she was. Daddy was sleeping with (insert "his best friends name here)". Then she came to me in tears confused about why this person was sleeping in mommy's bed with daddy.
There are some things you just never anticipate having to explain to your 3 year old.
So through all of this I have explained patiently, and tirelessly that I am now trying to protect my daughter and I from this continuous stream of bad decisions.
And now I need a break! I need a few weeks of fun, a few weeks to think about what I want out of life rather than react to what he wants. A chance to take Esme to parks, play with her, love her and have fun.
And all he's willing to give me is the threat of a lawsuit. Boy did I pick a winner or what?
I decided I needed to stay here at my brothers for a few more weeks to try to distance myself from all the pain, and craziness going on at "home".
I am truly ready to begin moving forward but that feels like an impossibility when I still don't know the truth of the past. Andrew still isn't speaking to me other than to send hateful and mildly threatening text messages, and those sure aren't helping me process.
When I told him I needed to stay here longer he threatened to "arrange for somebody to come pick Esme up and drive her back" that made me so frustrated. He's going to feign this great concern for his daughter but really he can't even pull that off. Every time he expresses concern for her it's concern that he might not get his time with her, even that isn't about her, but about him. And then when he takes this concern to the extreme instead of coming to collect her himself (which would demonstrate his ultimate concern) he intends to arrange for someone else to come. Anyone else vote that he's probably sending "his best friend"?
Then when I make it clear that it is not an option for me to send her back to his world of lies and confusion his response is to ask how I would feel if he took her on an extended trip.
There was only one response I wanted to make to that statement. Since I know it wouldn't have helped I resisted...but I have to get it out of my system here.
How would he feel if I had been sleeping with another man for the last 1 - 4 - 6 - 8 months?
Probably not as bad as I feel knowing he was and I guess that's the whole point.
I've truly done nothing throughout this process but show concern for his and Esme's well being. He refused to move out and really wanted the house...I didn't care because I can create a home anywhere (note the last 8 years of my life). I gave him the house.
He wanted to disappear and told me flat out he didn't care if he ever saw his daughter again.
I finally faced off with him, stuck my foot in the door when he tried to slam it in my face, and told him straight up that would be one of the worst decisions he could make (too bad I didn't already know about the worse decisions he had made).
I encouraged him to stay, by giving him the house he wanted and encouraged him to spend all the time he wanted, 2 days and 3 nights a week with his daughter. Even though all of you saw how much those days and nights killed me.
When his girlfriend moved in for her extended visit I put Esme's well being first by refusing to let her spend the night in the house with them, but still sent her there for two day long visits with them. I still wonder if I made the right choice since she came home from the first day and announced to a room full of friends that "daddy was having a sleepover just like she was. Daddy was sleeping with (insert "his best friends name here)". Then she came to me in tears confused about why this person was sleeping in mommy's bed with daddy.
There are some things you just never anticipate having to explain to your 3 year old.
So through all of this I have explained patiently, and tirelessly that I am now trying to protect my daughter and I from this continuous stream of bad decisions.
And now I need a break! I need a few weeks of fun, a few weeks to think about what I want out of life rather than react to what he wants. A chance to take Esme to parks, play with her, love her and have fun.
And all he's willing to give me is the threat of a lawsuit. Boy did I pick a winner or what?
Home Reno at its worst
Yesterday was officially day of exhaustion.
I feel emotionally, physically, mentally worn out.
It was raining outside. Esme and I spent a lot of the day cuddling on the couch watching movies.
I figure the healthy cuddling negates the unhealthy tv watching (you have to do what it takes to get through these things).
Anyway I'm officially tired of feeling ill and unsettled. I'm really ready to move on, I just have no idea how one even begins to do that. There are a few things lately I've been thinking about in hopes that they'll help me move forward.
One of the things is that I've been reading Elizabeth Gilbert's book Committed. I know it may seem like a strange choice but I'm enjoying her research and thoughts on how marriage has evolved. Early on in this blog I talked about how all I really wanted was a partnership. That's something she talks about in this book quite a bit. If you talk with people from other cultures you can see how they don't expect their partners to fulfill or complete them. Marriage always used to be, and in many cultures still is a partnership necessary for survival. There was one section where she talked about the women working together all day and families sleeping entirely in one house (like 11 members of a family in a 2 room house). I kind of like this thought that just like raising a child, having a successful marriage also takes a village.
When a number of people in your "village" stop supporting your marriage it will have negative consequences.
In my life it only took two people wavering in their support and the sad thing is that the downfall of my marriage has also had negative consequences on my village. That is the part that I am really sad about. (as if losing my husband wasn't enough).
Lately a number of my friends have also been expressing to me their thoughts on whether or not men and women can actually be friends. There was another great section in Committed where she talks about a well known researchers approach to knowing if your relationships are healthy.
She described a marriage as a home with walls and windows. The walls are the supports you and your spouse have built for your marriage and the windows are the places where others are allowed to enter your relationship. If you start sharing things with a friend of the opposite sex that you should be sharing with your spouse you essentially replace one of those walls with a window. Sensing that the integrity of your home's structure is becoming comprimised you build a wall between you and your spouse to try to salvage it.
In the end, with all the movement of walls and windows you've rebuilt your whole house and you, and your spouse find yourselves in a completely foreign environment.
And from my experience you're a bit confused about how you even got there.
I have to say that has been a huge analogy for me. As I read it I could see where the extra windows started breaking through and I could identify the times when Andrew built up extra walls to try to keep things "normal". What a painful realization this was. At the time I told myself we were still living in the same house so things must still be okay, ah if only I had known.
I feel emotionally, physically, mentally worn out.
It was raining outside. Esme and I spent a lot of the day cuddling on the couch watching movies.
I figure the healthy cuddling negates the unhealthy tv watching (you have to do what it takes to get through these things).
Anyway I'm officially tired of feeling ill and unsettled. I'm really ready to move on, I just have no idea how one even begins to do that. There are a few things lately I've been thinking about in hopes that they'll help me move forward.
One of the things is that I've been reading Elizabeth Gilbert's book Committed. I know it may seem like a strange choice but I'm enjoying her research and thoughts on how marriage has evolved. Early on in this blog I talked about how all I really wanted was a partnership. That's something she talks about in this book quite a bit. If you talk with people from other cultures you can see how they don't expect their partners to fulfill or complete them. Marriage always used to be, and in many cultures still is a partnership necessary for survival. There was one section where she talked about the women working together all day and families sleeping entirely in one house (like 11 members of a family in a 2 room house). I kind of like this thought that just like raising a child, having a successful marriage also takes a village.
When a number of people in your "village" stop supporting your marriage it will have negative consequences.
In my life it only took two people wavering in their support and the sad thing is that the downfall of my marriage has also had negative consequences on my village. That is the part that I am really sad about. (as if losing my husband wasn't enough).
Lately a number of my friends have also been expressing to me their thoughts on whether or not men and women can actually be friends. There was another great section in Committed where she talks about a well known researchers approach to knowing if your relationships are healthy.
She described a marriage as a home with walls and windows. The walls are the supports you and your spouse have built for your marriage and the windows are the places where others are allowed to enter your relationship. If you start sharing things with a friend of the opposite sex that you should be sharing with your spouse you essentially replace one of those walls with a window. Sensing that the integrity of your home's structure is becoming comprimised you build a wall between you and your spouse to try to salvage it.
In the end, with all the movement of walls and windows you've rebuilt your whole house and you, and your spouse find yourselves in a completely foreign environment.
And from my experience you're a bit confused about how you even got there.
I have to say that has been a huge analogy for me. As I read it I could see where the extra windows started breaking through and I could identify the times when Andrew built up extra walls to try to keep things "normal". What a painful realization this was. At the time I told myself we were still living in the same house so things must still be okay, ah if only I had known.
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