This post comes with it's own warning...There may be some things here you don't all want to think about.
My goal with this blog is to be honest, both for myself as a record of where I've been, and for anyone else who may end up where I've been.
Okay...I'll just get the awkward part over:
I woke up this morning from a dream that I was having sex with my husband. Nothing very risque but I woke up feeling happy with a feeling that was like, finally, this is where I've wanted to be, he does care for me.
Then as soon as I snapped fully awake my first realization was that he was more than likely having sex with someone else, perhaps even right at that moment.
All of a sudden it felt like I was waking up from someone elses dream.
It was like a slap.
Nothing like waking up with that kind of reality thrown in your face.
I'm sure these moments are inevitable and once I got over the shock of the slap I was able to move on relatively quickly.
I'm not sure if it was looking over and seeing my daughter next to me, knowing that the only reality I need is not going anywhere anytime soon.
Or if it was the realization that those moments were not the important ones in our relationship.
Or maybe, most importantly it's starting to sink in that nothing...not even brief moments of feeling loved, feeling like I was the most important person in the world to him. None of that was worth the rest of the constant pain and feelings of failure.
I feel like such a sharp pain is easier to move on from. The dull constancy of knowing that another woman is sleeping in my bed is almost more than I can bear. But the intense and fleeting realization that what I'm dreaming she may actually be experiencing was somehow easier to cast aside.
I guess really I just want to acknowledge that there are these moments. Will be these moments. Some easier to handle than others, but I will have to find a way to move on from them. I will be stronger and a bit happier every time I move on from one of them.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
I just want to be ok today
I didn't intend to blog this weekend but I have to share that today was an even better day than yesterday, if that's possible.
The sun was shining, we played in Central Park, did some walking around the city, had a wonderful lunch with friends and family then the best part of the day:
Esme and I rocked out to Ingrid Michaelson in the car on the way home. We even had a dance party in the driveway.
I had no idea Ingrid Michaelson was such a good soundtrack for my life right now but I really enjoyed her cd a friend burned for me.There is just the right amount of upbeat and heartbreak songs. The Way I Am (track 8) was the dance party inspiring song.
Driving home at the end of the day I felt joy, peace, sunned and free. I can't actually remember the last time I felt as light as I did driving my own car and enjoying music I had chosen and the company of my daughter.
I know that I am on the verge of having no plan for my life and I know how much that should terrify me, it does terrify me a little. But mostly I feel like everyone's right. I need to take some time, do a lot of thinking, analyzing, pro/con listing and figure out what it is I want and need from life.
It's a lot to figure out. I don't expect I'll have many questions answered immediately but I am definitely warming to the idea of taking some time to start asking the questions.
I really do hope you all are enjoying your weekend as much as I am. I'm sure I'll need some prayers tomorrow morning as we visit our old church. I expect there will be some questions waiting there for me as well, and those aren't the kind that will have easy answers either.
For now at least I feel refreshed and ready for the challenge!
The sun was shining, we played in Central Park, did some walking around the city, had a wonderful lunch with friends and family then the best part of the day:
Esme and I rocked out to Ingrid Michaelson in the car on the way home. We even had a dance party in the driveway.
I had no idea Ingrid Michaelson was such a good soundtrack for my life right now but I really enjoyed her cd a friend burned for me.There is just the right amount of upbeat and heartbreak songs. The Way I Am (track 8) was the dance party inspiring song.
Driving home at the end of the day I felt joy, peace, sunned and free. I can't actually remember the last time I felt as light as I did driving my own car and enjoying music I had chosen and the company of my daughter.
I know that I am on the verge of having no plan for my life and I know how much that should terrify me, it does terrify me a little. But mostly I feel like everyone's right. I need to take some time, do a lot of thinking, analyzing, pro/con listing and figure out what it is I want and need from life.
It's a lot to figure out. I don't expect I'll have many questions answered immediately but I am definitely warming to the idea of taking some time to start asking the questions.
I really do hope you all are enjoying your weekend as much as I am. I'm sure I'll need some prayers tomorrow morning as we visit our old church. I expect there will be some questions waiting there for me as well, and those aren't the kind that will have easy answers either.
For now at least I feel refreshed and ready for the challenge!
Friday, April 1, 2011
the Bonnie Banks O' Loch Lomond
We're here...in the city that never sleeps! And ironically enough last night was my first good, uninterrupted night of sleep in at least two weeks. Was it the vodka? The city sounds? The three am bedtime? Ours is not to reason why :)
It feels so good to be here, even walking around the city in the rain feels marvelous.
There's only been minimal drama, who knew the drama could even find me here?
We spent today with our friends Yaya (esme's nickname for her), Sara and baby Ingrid, we went to this really great kids spot called Moomah. Esme did an art project, then both girls played in the funky forest, this really great room where the kids can channel the LED water splashing all over the floor. By using pillow "logs" they have to get the water over to one wall where it helps the trees grow. Then they stand in front of that wall and their movement gets the the trees to grow...I have no idea how they do it but it was super cool and they both really loved it.
Next we wandered on the streets the 1.5 miles home. Stopping in stores, only nearly freezing to death, annoying the important manhattanites by walking side by side with our strollers. It was a nearly perfect day. Sun would have made it perfect, but as we all know a girl can't have things too perfect.
I felt beyond blessed to have the support of two great friends today, but especially my best friend since the fourth grade. I have always felt truly blessed to be surrounded by numerous wise and involved women and today took that to the nth degree. Sara listened, vented (just a tiny bit), supported me, listened some more, offered her wisdom, and then invited us to stay at her house! Who could imagine a better friend? I certainly could not and I'm so thankful to have her in my life.
Having her with me was especially perfect timing since I got an e mail from "his best friend"'s husband last night, followed by one this morning. His e mails have confirmed much of what I've suspected/known. I wish that made them less painful but I suppose there's nothing that could do that. He has no animosity toward me, I am actually shocked at the lack of animosity he has toward his wife.
I have to say that in all of this I have been pretty proud of myself for the high road I've taken. I haven't resorted to any name calling, have always taken the time to respond to all communications calmly. Have at every turn asked myself: "Is this what I want to see when I look back at this situation. Is this the reaction I want to remember myself having. Will this response make the future Jennye proud of the past Jennye?"
Before tonight I would not have thought there was a higher road I could be taking. But talking to him was somewhat astonishing. If there is a higher road he has found it. The love and concern in his voice for his wife was inspiring and saddening all at once. We had to agree that this is a miserable situation with no happiness around for any of the parties. And still he has forgiveness in his heart for what she has done.
I can only wish I had come that far.
But for now, on to more adventures. I'm going to spend tomorrow just simply enjoying the city. I'm not going to think about any of this, I'm going to try to stop feeling ill, I'm going to love my daughter and revel in family.
I hope you all have plans to have a marvelous weekend as well!
It feels so good to be here, even walking around the city in the rain feels marvelous.
There's only been minimal drama, who knew the drama could even find me here?
We spent today with our friends Yaya (esme's nickname for her), Sara and baby Ingrid, we went to this really great kids spot called Moomah. Esme did an art project, then both girls played in the funky forest, this really great room where the kids can channel the LED water splashing all over the floor. By using pillow "logs" they have to get the water over to one wall where it helps the trees grow. Then they stand in front of that wall and their movement gets the the trees to grow...I have no idea how they do it but it was super cool and they both really loved it.
Next we wandered on the streets the 1.5 miles home. Stopping in stores, only nearly freezing to death, annoying the important manhattanites by walking side by side with our strollers. It was a nearly perfect day. Sun would have made it perfect, but as we all know a girl can't have things too perfect.
I felt beyond blessed to have the support of two great friends today, but especially my best friend since the fourth grade. I have always felt truly blessed to be surrounded by numerous wise and involved women and today took that to the nth degree. Sara listened, vented (just a tiny bit), supported me, listened some more, offered her wisdom, and then invited us to stay at her house! Who could imagine a better friend? I certainly could not and I'm so thankful to have her in my life.
Having her with me was especially perfect timing since I got an e mail from "his best friend"'s husband last night, followed by one this morning. His e mails have confirmed much of what I've suspected/known. I wish that made them less painful but I suppose there's nothing that could do that. He has no animosity toward me, I am actually shocked at the lack of animosity he has toward his wife.
I have to say that in all of this I have been pretty proud of myself for the high road I've taken. I haven't resorted to any name calling, have always taken the time to respond to all communications calmly. Have at every turn asked myself: "Is this what I want to see when I look back at this situation. Is this the reaction I want to remember myself having. Will this response make the future Jennye proud of the past Jennye?"
Before tonight I would not have thought there was a higher road I could be taking. But talking to him was somewhat astonishing. If there is a higher road he has found it. The love and concern in his voice for his wife was inspiring and saddening all at once. We had to agree that this is a miserable situation with no happiness around for any of the parties. And still he has forgiveness in his heart for what she has done.
I can only wish I had come that far.
But for now, on to more adventures. I'm going to spend tomorrow just simply enjoying the city. I'm not going to think about any of this, I'm going to try to stop feeling ill, I'm going to love my daughter and revel in family.
I hope you all have plans to have a marvelous weekend as well!
Flying High
Yesterday I attempted to post via my phone for the first time.
As many of you have seen and commented that didn't work so well.
(despite the text I got from blogger saying "Success! Your post made it to your blog.")
So what it was supposed to say:
If you've flown as much as I have you have many habits and routines that are part of every trip to the airport.
One of my routines for the past 10 years has been to call Andrew from the gate to say goodbye. So here I am sitting at the gate, waiting for our flight and you guys will have to be my last call instead.
Esme and I are headed to the East Coast. By tonight I will be eating a Cobb Salad at my favorite restaurant. Tomorrow we will walk the city. I promise to have fun, post some more lighthearted and enjoyable content for you all to read, I'm even going to try to take some pictures!
Try not to miss us too much, we'll talk soon!
As many of you have seen and commented that didn't work so well.
(despite the text I got from blogger saying "Success! Your post made it to your blog.")
So what it was supposed to say:
If you've flown as much as I have you have many habits and routines that are part of every trip to the airport.
One of my routines for the past 10 years has been to call Andrew from the gate to say goodbye. So here I am sitting at the gate, waiting for our flight and you guys will have to be my last call instead.
Esme and I are headed to the East Coast. By tonight I will be eating a Cobb Salad at my favorite restaurant. Tomorrow we will walk the city. I promise to have fun, post some more lighthearted and enjoyable content for you all to read, I'm even going to try to take some pictures!
Try not to miss us too much, we'll talk soon!
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