I'm not sure exactly how to describe the state I've been in over the past couple days.
I had a rough week last week although I couldn't really identify why I couldn't sleep and couldn't settle down. I had a really rough weekend...too much love in the air and family time (other families).
Had a total meltdown Sunday night I actually literally cannot remember what triggered it. Good thing I have this blog since I'm pretty sure I wrote about it.
Then Monday I started getting sick thanks to all that fun I'd been having last week. I really thought that was when the week would have to start getting better. Boy was I wrong!
It's only gotten worse. Worse and worse and yet still worse, until today. Today was great, I was a pacing, crying, panicky mess of nerves, and that was just the work part of the day.
I really, really hate feeling that way. I don't like feeling out of control, especially when it comes to emotions. I don't like feeling unsure of the proper response for a situation. I really don't like being forced into a situation where there is no proper response because the situation itself is so F#*^ed up.
More than anything though I don't like Andrew's ability to take these situations and manipulate them so that I end up feeling guilty!
The one bright side in today's situation is that that part of his plan didn't work.
After all the drama yesterday over the realization that "his best friend" was coming to town for a week. After the increased drama when I was ridiculous enough to say that our daughter would not be spending the night in the same house as them, he never responded to let me know his plan for tonight.
You see Thursday is a Daddy night for Esme. My goal was not to take that away so, reasonable as I usually am, I let him know he could still have his night with Esme. "His best friend" would just have to stay somewhere else. And then I left it up to him to decide. "Decide what his priorities were" is the line I believe I used.
When I still hadn't heard by noon today what his priorities were I started to get nervous. I texted him to find out and that was when he informed me that his lost time with his daughter was "on my head".
see it? see the manipulation...I know it's so subtle...shocking that it took me 11 years to really lock onto it huh? If only we could play life in slo-mo and freeze those oh-so crucial scenes, invite some friends over to strategize the proper response. (maybe while peeing, thanks alyssa!)
But finally, Fi-Na-Ly I can say that I caught it before it caught me.
I do not feel a bit guilty.
He cannot have his cake and eat it too. (I feel sure there's a really bad new girlfriend joke in there somewhere but I'm sure there'll be plenty of time for that later).
If he won't do the responsible thing for our daughter I sure as hell will. I even picked her up from daycare early just to preempt any attempt on his part to avoid a confrontation.
He still managed to avoid the confrontation of course. But boy did my little act of determination feel good!
I heard through the grapevine that the family we're staying with had a little meeting today and decided I need Anger Acquisition Therapy. I thought that was hilarious! Anyone know a good program for that?
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