Okay (deep breath)

I'm making the big move.
I'm not sure I'm ready or not but we never are right?

I'm going a step more public...still not a fan of outright broadcasting everything but looking forward to some new design, exciting new features, and perhaps eventually some ad money.

Come find me:
Calamity Jennye

I know moving sucks but most of you have known me long enough to know you won't find me in any one place for too long :)

Thank You For Bein A Friend

I've been thinking for the last two days about this next post.
Unfortunately I've been so exhausted I haven't gotten my act together to actually write it.
Esme and I went back into Manhattan for a couple days and had a great time enjoying the sun, the parks and time with Uncle Steve, Auntie Anna and YaYa.

On the way into the city I listened to the same Wailin Jennys CD I talked about in the last post.
This time when the song One Voice came on I found myself listening closely to the fourth verse:

This is the sound of all of us

Singing with love and the will to trust

Leave the rest behind it will turn to dust

This is the sound of all of us

What hit me more clearly than ever is that I need to be done wasting time and energy on the one friend who has chosen to leave, has so clearly decided to be the opposite of a friend.
It is not only a waste but says all the wrong things to the rest of you.

What I have realized again and again throughout this process is how lucky and blessed I am. There are so many of you who have supported Esme and me in so many ways.
I think every single one of you reading this blog has in some way grealy impacted my life recently.
Whether you've called or e mailed, shared your home or vehicle, offered to move me out my old house or threatened to move me into an asylum if I so much as think about going back.

There is no way I could feel more loved or supported than I have in the last few months. I want each and every one of you to know how much I appreciate that.

One Voice Indeed

Had a great lunch with a friend yesterday and it got me thinking about a lot of different things.
One of my favorite parts (in retrospect) was when he asked me how I don't cry myself to sleep every night. Driving home I realized the real answer to that question; that would be such a waste when there is so much good reality television that needs watching.
And really when I can watch other people's insane dramas it is so much easier to believe mine are not that big a deal.
But...it always comes back, and he's right this time it is a big deal.
On the drive into lunch yesterday I was listening to a Wailin' Jennys cd (to know me is to know I love The Wailin Jennys almost as much as The Gilmore Girls). The beautiful song One Voice came on, it was a really hard moment for me.
Almost one year ago five of us went to a Wailin Jennys concert together right before I moved away from Philadelphia. That concert was the first time I heard this song. "His best friend" was one of the people with us at this concert. The song is about how we can all come together and truly help each other.

"this is the sound of voices two

the sound of me singing with you

helping each other to make it through

this is the sound of voices two."

It was such a hard reminder that someone I expected to be there for me. Someone who I expected to be there for myself is completely and totally not.
After lunch I spent some time walking around the city, wandering through my favorite stores.
I didn't intend this, but halfway through I realized this was an activity I would normally have done with her. The plans I had tried to make to go out for a drink with friends were plans I would have made with her too.
So, of course I did the only thing someone like me would do...I e mailed her. (this is a perfect opportunity to utilize the comments section...feel free to tell me how crazy you think I am, I can handle it).

I may or may not have mentioned that previous to this I've sent her two texts. Neither one was cruel but they were both honest and painful.

This e mail was the same. As much as I hate it, it has continued to be important to me that she know how I feel. I'm sure part of me hopes that if she can remember some of our time together, our previous conversations, that people other than she and my husband have feelings, then maybe she will snap out of this.

This hope is not because I want my husband back. I have seen and heard a lot of truth in the two months we've been apart, I am fully convinced that he has no interest in anyone but himself, there was no happiness to be found anymore in our marriage and it was a horrible environment in which to raise our daughter.
My hope for this friend is that she will not waste all the years that I did figuring this out. That she will realize not only can you not succeed at making him happy, but he is so wrapped up in himself, and at this point in his own self destruction that he will bring her down with him.

She responded to my e mail with one of her own and the last line in her e mail was:
"Thank you for e mailing me. I don't expect you to want to have anything to do with me, but if you want to talk I am here."

And so I got sad again, I would love to talk but I have nothing to say that she would hear. It gives me hope, to know that she would even talk to me, makes me want to believe she's not bought into all his lies.
Realistically I'm back at square one. I'm not sure our e mails accomplished anything. But as I said in my e mail to her "I hope there will be a day when we can move past this and speak again." I'm confident that day will not come anytime soon. I'm nowhere near close to forgiveness.

But then again neither of them have asked me for it and as the same friend reminded me at lunch, one thing that tends to help in the process of forgiveness is someone desiring it. Maybe by then I'll be ready.

A quick question...and I really could use opinions on this one

So...there's a lot of drama going on right now as you all may have noticed.
My work life has been, at points in the last year, equally unpleasant to my home life. (and those have been the high points).
Anyway. I'm starting a new job at the end of April and that's marvelous on so many fronts, not the least of which is that it will allow me more time home with Esme.

In addition to starting my new job I've been working on moving my website to one that's a bit more public, you may have noticed the slow introduction of more names, I'm still not ready to make a bold announcement to the world about everything I'm saying here...but all of this is to say that change, it is a comin'.

What I'm really wondering is when I make this move to a new address would you all hate me if I added ads to my blog?
I'm hoping they might be something you all would click on every now and then (perhaps more now than then) in support of my new job (read less income) and what I sadly anticipate to be upcoming legal bills.

Before I do it I was just hoping you would all give me some idea if you could continue to support me even if I became a sell out...
Honestly...for once could I get some comments here? Tell me what you think!
If you hate the idea I promise I won't take it personally...we'll still talk, you know, eventually

Just one of the bright spots

Me:  How about you take a nap and then you can play with your new Polly Pocket pool afterwards?

Esme: Weeelll mama, I have an idea, how about if I play with the Polly's beforewards?

mutual giggling ensued...followed by much use of the word beforewards for the rest of the day.

Anyone know where they keep the fun around here?

I'm at a loss for how to begin processing the last few days.
I decided I needed to stay here at my brothers for a few more weeks to try to distance myself from all the pain, and craziness going on at "home".
I am truly ready to begin moving forward but that feels like an impossibility when I still don't know the truth of the past. Andrew still isn't speaking to me other than to send hateful and mildly threatening text messages, and those sure aren't helping me process.

When I told him I needed to stay here longer he threatened to "arrange for somebody to come pick Esme up and drive her back" that made me so frustrated. He's going to feign this great concern for his daughter but really he can't even pull that off. Every time he expresses concern for her it's concern that he might not get his time with her, even that isn't about her, but about him. And then when he takes this concern to the extreme instead of coming to collect her himself (which would demonstrate his ultimate concern) he intends to arrange for someone else to come.  Anyone else vote that he's probably sending "his best friend"?

Then when I make it clear that it is not an option for me to send her back to his world of lies and confusion his response is to ask how I would feel if he took her on an extended trip.
There was only one response I wanted to make to that statement. Since I know it wouldn't have helped I resisted...but I have to get it out of my system here.

How would he feel if I had been sleeping with another man for the last 1 - 4 - 6 - 8 months?
Probably not as bad as I feel knowing he was and I guess that's the whole point.

I've truly done nothing throughout this process but show concern for his and Esme's well being. He refused to move out and really wanted the house...I didn't care because I can create a home anywhere (note the last 8 years of my life). I gave him the house.
He wanted to disappear and told me flat out he didn't care if he ever saw his daughter again.
I finally faced off with him, stuck my foot in the door when he tried to slam it in my face, and told him straight up that would be one of the worst decisions he could make (too bad I didn't already know about the worse decisions he had made).
I encouraged him to stay, by giving him the house he wanted and encouraged him to spend all the time he wanted, 2 days and 3 nights a week with his daughter. Even though all of you saw how much those days and nights killed me.

When his girlfriend moved in for her extended visit I put Esme's well being first by refusing to let her spend the night in the house with them, but still sent her there for two day long visits with them. I still wonder if I made the right choice since she came home from the first day and announced to a room full of friends that "daddy was having a sleepover just like she was. Daddy was sleeping with (insert "his best friends name here)".  Then she came to me in tears confused about why this person was sleeping in mommy's bed with daddy.

There are some things you just never anticipate having to explain to your 3 year old.

So through all of this I have explained patiently, and tirelessly that I am now trying to protect my daughter and I from this continuous stream of bad decisions.

And now I need a break! I need a few weeks of fun, a few weeks to think about what I want out of life rather than react to what he wants. A chance to take Esme to parks, play with her, love her and have fun.

And all he's willing to give me is the threat of a lawsuit. Boy did I pick a winner or what?

Home Reno at its worst

Yesterday was officially day of exhaustion.
I feel emotionally, physically, mentally worn out.
It was raining outside. Esme and I spent a lot of the day cuddling on the couch watching movies.
I figure the healthy cuddling negates the unhealthy tv watching (you have to do what it takes to get through these things).

Anyway I'm officially tired of feeling ill and unsettled. I'm really ready to move on, I just have no idea how one even begins to do that. There are a few things lately I've been thinking about in hopes that they'll help me move forward.

One of the things is that I've been reading Elizabeth Gilbert's book Committed. I know it may seem like a strange choice but I'm enjoying her research and thoughts on how marriage has evolved. Early on in this blog I talked about how all I really wanted was a partnership. That's something she talks about in this book quite a bit. If you talk with people from other cultures you can see how they don't expect their partners to fulfill or complete them. Marriage always used to be, and in many cultures still is a partnership necessary for survival. There was one section where she talked about the women working together all day and families sleeping entirely in one house (like 11 members of a family in a 2 room house). I kind of like this thought that just like raising a child, having a successful marriage also takes a village.
When a number of people in your "village" stop supporting your marriage it will have negative consequences.
In my life it only took two people wavering in their support and the sad thing is that the downfall of my marriage has also had negative consequences on my village. That is the part that I am really sad about. (as if losing my husband wasn't enough).

Lately a number of my friends have also been expressing to me their thoughts on whether or not men and women can actually be friends. There was another great section in Committed where she talks about a well known researchers approach to knowing if your relationships are healthy.
She described a marriage as a home with walls and windows. The walls are the supports you and your spouse have built for your marriage and the windows are the places where others are allowed to enter your relationship. If you start sharing things with a friend of the opposite sex that you should be sharing with your spouse you essentially replace one of those walls with a window. Sensing that the integrity of your home's structure is becoming comprimised you build a wall between you and your spouse to try to salvage it.
In the end, with all the movement of walls and windows you've rebuilt your whole house and you, and your spouse find yourselves in a completely foreign environment.
And from my experience you're a bit confused about how you even got there.

I have to say that has been a huge analogy for me. As I read it I could see where the extra windows started breaking through and I could identify the times when Andrew built up extra walls to try to keep things "normal". What a painful realization this was. At the time I told myself we were still living in the same house so things must still be okay, ah if only I had known.

The post where I mention S-E-X

This post comes with it's own warning...There may be some things here you don't all want to think about.
My goal with this blog is to be honest, both for myself as a record of where I've been, and for anyone else who may end up where I've been.

Okay...I'll just get the awkward part over:
I woke up this morning from a dream that I was having sex with my husband. Nothing very risque but I woke up feeling happy with a feeling that was like, finally, this is where I've wanted to be, he does care for me.
Then as soon as I snapped fully awake my first realization was that he was more than likely having sex with someone else, perhaps even right at that moment.
All of a sudden it felt like I was waking up from someone elses dream.
It was like a slap.
Nothing like waking up with that kind of reality thrown in your face.

I'm sure these moments are inevitable and once I got over the shock of the slap I was able to move on relatively quickly.

I'm not sure if it was looking over and seeing my daughter next to me, knowing that the only reality I need is not going anywhere anytime soon.
Or if it was the realization that those moments were not the important ones in our relationship.
Or maybe, most importantly it's starting to sink in that nothing...not even brief moments of feeling loved, feeling like I was the most important person in the world to him. None of that was worth the rest of the constant pain and feelings of failure.

I feel like such a sharp pain is easier to move on from. The dull constancy of knowing that another woman is sleeping in my bed is almost more than I can bear. But the intense and fleeting realization that what I'm dreaming she may actually be experiencing was somehow easier to cast aside.

I guess really I just want to acknowledge that there are these moments. Will be these moments. Some easier to handle than others, but I will have to find a way to move on from them. I will be stronger and a bit happier every time I move on from one of them.

Hate it when I get something wrong. Just need you to know it's definitely track 10 on Be OK that's the dance party.

I just want to be ok today

I didn't intend to blog this weekend but I have to share that today was an even better day than yesterday, if that's possible.
The sun was shining, we played in Central Park, did some walking around the city, had a wonderful lunch with friends and family then the best part of the day:
Esme and I rocked out to Ingrid Michaelson in the car on the way home. We even had a dance party in the driveway.
I had no idea Ingrid Michaelson was such a good soundtrack for my life right now but I really enjoyed her cd a friend burned for me.There is just the right amount of upbeat and heartbreak songs. The Way I Am (track 8) was the dance party inspiring song.
Driving home at the end of the day I felt joy, peace, sunned and free. I can't actually remember the last time I felt as light as I did driving my own car and enjoying music I had chosen and the company of my daughter.
I know that I am on the verge of having no plan for my life and I know how much that should terrify me, it does terrify me a little. But mostly I feel like everyone's right. I need to take some time, do a lot of thinking, analyzing, pro/con listing and figure out what it is I want and need from life.
It's a lot to figure out. I don't expect I'll have many questions answered immediately but I am definitely warming to the idea of taking some time to start asking the questions.

I really do hope you all are enjoying your weekend as much as I am. I'm sure I'll need some prayers tomorrow morning as we visit our old church. I expect there will be some questions waiting there for me as well, and those aren't the kind that will have easy answers either.
For now at least I feel refreshed and ready for the challenge!

the Bonnie Banks O' Loch Lomond

We're here...in the city that never sleeps! And ironically enough last night was my first good, uninterrupted night of sleep in at least two weeks. Was it the vodka? The city sounds? The three am bedtime? Ours is not to reason why :)
It feels so good to be here, even walking around the city in the rain feels marvelous.
There's only been minimal drama, who knew the drama could even find me here?

We spent today with our friends Yaya (esme's nickname for her), Sara and baby Ingrid, we went to this really great kids spot called Moomah. Esme did an art project, then both girls played in the funky forest, this really great room where the kids can channel the LED water splashing all over the floor. By using pillow "logs" they have to get the water over to one wall where it helps the trees grow. Then they stand in front of that wall and their movement gets the the trees to grow...I have no idea how they do it but it was super cool and they both really loved it.

Next we wandered on the streets the 1.5 miles home. Stopping in stores, only nearly freezing to death, annoying the important manhattanites by walking side by side with our strollers. It was a nearly perfect day. Sun would have made it perfect, but as we all know a girl can't have things too perfect.

I felt beyond blessed to have the support of two great friends today, but especially my best friend since the fourth grade. I have always felt truly blessed to be surrounded by numerous wise and involved women and today took that to the nth degree. Sara listened, vented (just a tiny bit), supported me, listened some more, offered her wisdom, and then invited us to stay at her house! Who could imagine a better friend? I certainly could not and I'm so thankful to have her in my life.

Having her with me was especially perfect timing since I got an e mail from "his best friend"'s husband last night, followed by one this morning. His e mails have confirmed much of what I've suspected/known. I wish that made them less painful but I suppose there's nothing that could do that. He has no animosity toward me, I am actually shocked at the lack of animosity he has toward his wife.

I have to say that in all of this I have been pretty proud of myself for the high road I've taken. I haven't resorted to any name calling, have always taken the time to respond to all communications calmly. Have at every turn asked myself: "Is this what I want to see when I look back at this situation. Is this the reaction I want to remember myself having. Will this response make the future Jennye proud of the past Jennye?"

Before tonight I would not have thought there was a higher road I could be taking. But talking to him was somewhat astonishing. If there is a higher road he has found it. The love and concern in his voice for his wife was inspiring and saddening all at once. We had to agree that this is a miserable situation with no happiness around for any of the parties. And still he has forgiveness in his heart for what she has done.

I can only wish I had come that far.

But for now, on to more adventures. I'm going to spend tomorrow just simply enjoying the city. I'm not going to think about any of this, I'm going to try to stop feeling ill, I'm going to love my daughter and revel in family.

I hope you all have plans to have a marvelous weekend as well!

Flying High

Yesterday I attempted to post via my phone for the first time.
As many of you have seen and commented that didn't work so well.
(despite the text I got from blogger saying "Success! Your post made it to your blog.")

So what it was supposed to say:
If you've flown as much as I have you have many habits and routines that are part of every trip to the airport.
One of my routines for the past 10 years has been to call Andrew from the gate to say goodbye. So here I am sitting at the gate, waiting for our flight and you guys will have to be my last call instead.

Esme and I are headed to the East Coast. By tonight I will be eating a Cobb Salad at my favorite restaurant. Tomorrow we will walk the city. I promise to have fun, post some more lighthearted and enjoyable content for you all to read, I'm even going to try to take some pictures!

Try not to miss us too much, we'll talk soon!

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I'm not sure you can understand how funny this was in my head...I swear it was.

One of the things that was the biggest adjustment in moving to a town this small was the banking.
People write checks for everything and...(get this) you can walk into the bank, up to a teller, and say "hi I'm Jennye Ashcroft and I'd like to withdraw $100 from my account."
(Now mind you I had just moved here and these people really did not know me from Adam. I had never met them.)
They would just hand me the money, no questions asked, no id required...weirdest thing ever!!

So back when "his best friend" was actually my best friend she was here visiting us.
I was still adjusting to this banking phenomenon and as we walked into the bank one day I said "watch this!"
She too was shocked and we spent the rest of the visit laughing about it, how really she could just walk in, say my name and take all my money!

It just occurred to me today what happened after that visit. I think she thought everything in Grand Marais worked that way. It's a small town, midwesterners are friendly, we seem like we would be happy to share.

I think this time she got confused, walked into my house, said "Hi I'm Jennye Ashcroft, I'd like to withdraw one husband please."

Damn obliging midwesterners...she's walking away with more than just my money.

 See...I had to go and make it all sad...I couldn't just end with the funny.
That's the day I'm waiting for. The day I can look at this all and end with the funny.

A Grim Fairytale indeed

I feel like my brain won’t shut off lately. I’ve been doing so much thinking.

At bedtime, in the middle of the night, before I want to wake up in the morning, while driving, while working….I think you get the picture.

I just keep going over and over the same things. There are so many angles and, of course I keep finding new regrets, new ways to beat myself up.

Then I decide there’s no value in that, determine I can make peace with myself, that things aren’t going to get better until I just accept them and move on.

So, you know, I’m there, somewhere in the middle, trapped between, “it’s no big deal, marriages just end” and “what the fuck?”.

See me there? It’s not pretty so you might not want to look too closely.

The main thing I can’t get over is how I let things get this out of control. I’m not a passive person. I know how to stand up for myself, take care of myself, I am a successful businesswoman, part of which required holding people accountable, many people at all levels of organizations. 

I just never transferred this home. I so badly wanted my husband to be happy, wanted to have a happy marriage that I stopped holding him accountable for his actions. I told myself his happiness was more important than me. I decided it was easier to not have the tough conversations, to tell myself that things weren’t so bad, that it wasn’t what I thought, maybe if I just ignored it, it would even go away.

His lack of interest in any family activities, his inappropriate relationships, his need for 4 hours of alone time every day, his irrational anger when I made any decision he didn't agree with (coupled with his refusal to make decisions), his ability to drink every drop of liquor in the house.

I know better than all this, problems of this magnitude don't just go away. So I can’t figure out how I let it happen.

I expected marriage to be work, and I worked hard. I’m just disappointed with myself for letting some of the important things slip by. For not addressing them. For letting my anger at things build until I couldn’t address issues reasonably, all I could do was vent my anger.

I guess the only thing left is to walk away with a lesson (I have a three year old can you tell?)

So the moral for this marriage:

If you’re afraid to talk about it, there’s probably a reason. A reason that is not going to just go away by itself.

Bring it up, discuss it, be honest about your fears. All you've got to lose is everything and that will disappear anyway when the problems finally become so big you can't ignore them anymore.

(or as David Wilcox says, in a moral friendly length “Start with the ending, it’s the best way to begin.”)

Sharin' the Love

I've heard this song on the Pandora station at work lately and I've just been loving it.
Thought I'd try to end the week on a more positive note (no pun intended).

Don't mind the girl dancing...or do cause it's beautiful and all that. It's just the only link I could find to the song.

Here's Catherine Feeny singing Hush Now 

Enjoy! and have a great weekend!!

Like freeze tag but with a lot more punching

I'm not sure exactly how to describe the state I've been in over the past couple days.
I had a rough week last week although I couldn't really identify why I couldn't sleep and couldn't settle down. I had a really rough weekend...too much love in the air and family time (other families).
Had a total meltdown Sunday night I actually literally cannot remember what triggered it. Good thing I have this blog since I'm pretty sure I wrote about it.
Then Monday I started getting sick thanks to all that fun I'd been having last week. I really thought that was when the week would have to start getting better. Boy was I wrong!
It's only gotten worse. Worse and worse and yet still worse, until today. Today was great, I was a pacing, crying, panicky mess of nerves, and that was just the work part of the day.

I really, really hate feeling that way. I don't like feeling out of control, especially when it comes to emotions. I don't like feeling unsure of the proper response for a situation. I really don't like being forced into a situation where there is no proper response because the situation itself is so F#*^ed up.
More than anything though I don't like Andrew's ability to take these situations and manipulate them so that I end up feeling guilty!
The one bright side in today's situation is that that part of his plan didn't work.

After all the drama yesterday over the realization that "his best friend" was coming to town for a week. After the increased drama when I was ridiculous enough to say that our daughter would not be spending the night in the same house as them, he never responded to let me know his plan for tonight.

You see Thursday is a Daddy night for Esme. My goal was not to take that away so, reasonable as I usually am, I let him know he could still have his night with Esme. "His best friend" would just have to stay somewhere else. And then I left it up to him to decide. "Decide what his priorities were" is the line I believe I used.
When I still hadn't heard by noon today what his priorities were I started to get nervous. I texted him to find out and that was when he informed me that his lost time with his daughter was "on my head".

see it? see the manipulation...I know it's so subtle...shocking that it took me 11 years to really lock onto it huh? If only we could play life in slo-mo and freeze those oh-so crucial scenes, invite some friends over to strategize the proper response. (maybe while peeing, thanks alyssa!)

But finally, Fi-Na-Ly I can say that I caught it before it caught me.
I do not feel a bit guilty.
He cannot have his cake and eat it too. (I feel sure there's a really bad new girlfriend joke in there somewhere but I'm sure there'll be plenty of time for that later).

If he won't do the responsible thing for our daughter I sure as hell will. I even picked her up from daycare early just to preempt any attempt on his part to avoid a confrontation.
He still managed to avoid the confrontation of course. But boy did my little act of determination feel good!

I heard through the grapevine that the family we're staying with had a little meeting today and decided I need Anger Acquisition Therapy. I thought that was hilarious! Anyone know a good program for that?

What is the value of a proportional response?

My goal is to be happy. I want my husband to find happiness. I want us both to be able to create healthy environments where we raise our daughter.
This is truly and honestly, deep down, what I want. In reality I know it's going to take a little time to get there.
What I did not expect was being forced to confront his version of happiness without me before we've even discussed divorce.
There are many things I've found surprising as we've gone through this separation process.
I think it's important to share that my husband's parents divorced in our first year of marriage.His Dad left his mom and a year later married one of her best friends. That was a very formative experience for him. He didn't speak to his dad for almost two years because of his anger that his dad refused to go to counseling or even attempt (in Andrew's eyes) to save his marriage.
The first response Andrew had to the whole situation was to say to me "We will never let that happen to us. We have to make sure we always communicate so that we never end up where they are."

Well...flash forward to 8 years later. Here we are and boy are the parallels astounding. Andrew was the one who decided he didn't have the energy for counseling, didn't have the energy for our marriage. Not a shocking decision given that he had checked out of the family at least a year earlier. I still think back over the last few years often...they were rough (and I think that may even be an understatement) but there were good times. And often even in the midst of bad times Andrew was always the first one to remind me that he loved me. I wish it didn't but that makes everything so hard.
I know I haven't stopped loving him. I can't even imagine how you just stop loving someone. But how can he so easily act like he has no feelings left, like our marriage, our family didn't even matter?

So, why do I think he's acting like none of it mattered? "His best friend" the one I mentioned here, is flying in today to spend a week with him.
He was shocked over the realization that I was not going to let our daughter spend the night in the same house with him and "his best friend".
I feel a bit shocked over the depth of hurt and betrayal I feel by the two of them.

I tend to react to most things very rationally and continually search for the proportional response.
This feels to me like an instance where there is no proportional response, an instance where you find yourself saying what does that even mean?
Have you ever watched that West Wing episode where Martin Sheen wants to blow the bad guys to Kingdom come? Wants a disproportional response? I feel that way every other minute...
Like this is an instance where I learn yet again my husband's ability to take advantage of my even-tempered handling of past situations. Like I need to blow up already!

(I'm just realizing how bad this is. Whenever I'm hurt my immediate reaction is to say I never want someone to feel this. How can I talk to them about this but insure they don't feel as bad I feel right now?
This feels different. I do want them to feel as bad as I feel right now.
well, maybe....it just even feels horrible to type that. I want them to feel it, but just for a minute and then I want them to go on and be happy, and let me be happy, and can't we all just get along?)

Ohhhh this is going to be a long and painful process!

If she were truly my friend at all she would have told me about this visit. If this visit were innocent he would have told me about it before he was absolutely forced to.

Even if it is innocent, we are still married, my husband has chosen to spend a week with another woman, I am devastated.

I will not be Undone

"If you want to destroy my sweater...
Pull this thread as I walk away"

A work friend was trying to remember the lyrics to this song today and it just felt so appropriate!
Plus way too catchy and I've been singing it ever since.

Hold tight to your family

Today I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing.
I have had lots of zen days about this whole thing but over the last two days I've really hit a downward spiral.
I can't quite put my finger on where it started but there are a few things that have all contributed.

A big part of my concern stems from spending the last month reading this great blog. I started at the beginning (2001) and I've been reading all the way through. She makes me laugh out loud, has a dog that looks a lot like Francis, and a little girl (well two now). She also does a lot of talking about her struggle with depression, her honesty has opened my eyes in a lot of  ways to what I think Andrew has been dealing with throughout our marriage. I feel like I've been pretty understanding and concerned and supportive at the right points. But really I have to be honest and say I'm not sure I have been enough.
I know that I put up with a lot in our marriage, took care of a lot, was a very patient spouse. But lately I wonder. I'm sure that we never talked about Andrew's depression as much as we should have. Mostly that's because he didn't want to. That's what leads to my concern. Should I have ensured we had those conversations. Did I really do enough to support him where mental illness is concerned?
I've struggled with that question a lot, over the years and especially over the last few weeks. I thought I had come to a good conclusion:
I did everything I was able to do on my own. The difference between Andrew and Heather (the woman from the blog) is that she was willing to ask for help. She knew she didn't want to feel the way she did, she knew her family was the most important thing to her and she actively sought out the help she needed. Andrew for the most part did not make these decisions. I could not force him into help, could not force him to choose his family or make healthy decisions.
I was feeling pretty good with that rationale until Friday night when I read a blog posting by Heather's husband. This post just left me sad. It left me convinced I didn't do enough. Didn't find out enough about the medication Andrew was taking, exactly why he was taking it, what he needed from me.
Up until now I've been convinced that I truly did everything I could have to save my marriage. Now I'm not so sure.
I don't want to go back to where we were. I refuse to go back to where we were. I also can't walk away with all this on my mind and heart.

I've dealt with a lot of change in my life and there is always a moment of concern, fear, confusion in the midst of any change. The only way I've ever found to successfully move through those moments is to address them head on. In this case I think that means sitting down and having a conversation. I'm not sure I can continue to move on, to feel good about the decision I'm making until I at least address this.
I was just looking back over Dooce's blog to see if I could find a posting that would help you understand why she has had me thinking so much about this.
Here is the one that almost does me in every time.

Not Disposable (but boy would it help if I came with a charger)

I slept horribly this whole week....weird dreams, hours awake in the middle of the night mulling over all this change.
This is simply not me. I can sleep anytime, anywhere and usually for any amount of time.
Last night I was actually sleeping better when this morning I awoke from a dream that my husband was dating someone new.
You'd think that would be enough but nooo...she was a ditzy blonde, controlling and not friendly, and if all of that weren't enough.
She'd convinced him to move to Southern California...all I could think about in my dream was how I've always wanted to move to Southern California and he denied the idea every time....how could this even be fair.

It's not...I guess that's the main answer in life. They may have SoCal but they'll also have to have each other.
Then this morning the whole problem was wiped out of my mind when I got the news that Esme spent the morning throwing up, I had to work all day and she was with her Babka, it felt miserable to not be there for her. I stopped by the house to take her some ginger ale, saltines and pedia lite.

We cuddled on the couch for a few minutes before I had to go back to work and Esme said (in her breathless super excited voice)
"Do you know what? Tonight is a mommy night!"
I know I said, and I'm so excited.
"Daddy also told me that...after tonight...tomorrow is a mommy day, is it true?"
(There is just nothing better than this.)
 
And of course I've performed valiantly during our mommy night.
The Dora ballet special we had tevoed, ice cream for dessert (sherbert for the one with a still delicate tummy), and a movie.
Then at the end of the movie (Free Willy, just to help you understand) I actually broke down crying.
"Why are you sad Mama? Are you sad the movie is over?"
"No honey, I'm not sad at all (gulp, sniff)"
"Then why are you crying."
"I'm actually crying because I'm happy, I'm happy because I just love you so much."
"Don't worry Mama, I will always keep you."

Where did I get this kid? I just don't think she could get any better?

Daily Decision

New York may be the city so nice they named it twice...
but there really is something to be said for living in a town where I can put on pajama pants.
hop in my car with my rum beverage
and drive from one driveway to the next one for dinner with my best friend.

The Packers vs. The Steelers

I fear I have a reached a new low. And just when I thought I was doing so well.
I work right next door to the co-op in our town. In a store with big windows and from the balcony inside you can see the whole parking lot.
Today I was upstairs breaking the news to an older woman that we don't have any size 6 shoes because people up here don't have feet that small after the age of 10 (and 10 year olds just don't spend enough money).

Anyway. I was upstairs when out of the corner of my eye I saw our car pull into the parking lot. All focus was immediately gone, my. daughter. was. going. to. be. getting. out. of. that. car.

ummm, yes, you're right those $300 hand made jackets are beautiful, we (glance) love (glance) them (glance) too. And then out of the corner of my eye the flash of total pink that could only indicate one person. I got to watch her walk all the way to the co-op door.
My customers left and I immediately rushed up to the balcony. How long would they need to be inside?
I stood there, staring out the window realizing I had a lump in my throat and I was literally choking back tears.
I really thought I was doing so well, getting so much better at dealing with these daddy days.
Well clearly I was WAY off. Can this be a healthy reaction.
Just when I thought the tears would overwhelm me, out they came....they walked to the car. He reached in and put their purchase in the front seat...does this mean their coming inside to see me? Is he really going to bring her in? Happy Da - oh he's opening her door and lifting her in.
I wanted to wave with all my might...I'm here, watching you, loving you, acting insane for just a glimpse of you.
I drove home thinking about this whole experience and how I should approach daddy days based on this response....you know trying to have rational thoughts about this clearly totally emotional situation.
And as soon as I got home my phone rang. It was Esme calling me for the second time today (the first day she's ever called me on a daddy day).
"mama I put my dress back on. I had on a skirt and a tank top but now I put my summer dress back on."
"is that all you were calling to tell me?"
"yes, I love my summer dress, Daddy and I are eating dinner."
"well go focus on dinner with daddy. I'm so glad you called me."

Meanwhile my internal monologue was going full force, as I completed my own personal touchdown dance (two phone calls on a daddy day) "I  - win, I - win, I - win, I - win...."

Clearly I've still got some issues to work through.

The Parent Trap

I've gotten a lot of questions lately about how my three year old is doing with our separation. To be honest I've been amazed at her lack of questions and her ability to just go with the flow.
She doesn't seem to think it's odd that I call our old house "daddy's house" our old car "daddy's car". I've asked her a couple times if she has any questions she wants to ask me. I ask her how she feels about having only daddy OR mommy nights, no more daddy AND mommy nights.
She always tells me she doesn't have any questions, things are fine. I honestly believe her because I can see how much happier and less needy she acts. So I don't really worry. Maybe she's just like her mom and has some gene that lets her take it as it comes.

Or maybe she's just three, and doesn't read too much into anything.

In any case, we were driving home tonight and Esme said "Mama I wrote you a note on the window"
"What does it say?"
"It says,
'Dear love mama and daddy.
This is so your hearts can grow.
I love you.
Esme' That's what is says"
"What does that mean?"
"I don't know, it's just a note that I wrote you. It's just for you."

Then later tonight her dad called to say good night. Esme answered the phone, talked to him, then brought me the phone.
"Hello" I said, "is it my turn?"
"I don't know, Esme said good night and handed me off"
"I know she just handed you to me? So...how are you?"
And off we went forced into a conversation.

So I'm thinking we may not so much have a little Shirley Temple on our hands as we have a Hayley Mills, right here under our own roofs!

It's freezing, it's freezing, I hope I don't start sneezing

I would hate to get a reputation for this sort of thing but I have to express what I'm honestly feeling.
Today we have to break up.
We had a great run.
Sure when it was fresh and new everything was beautiful and wonderful.
I love the way you transformed my world like nothing else ever had...
But really, I've never known someone who couldn't take a hint.
I've ignored you for weeks now, I've started going outside without a hat and mittens, and one day even without a coat in blatant defiance of your perseverance.
I've avoided shoveling for days hoping you would get the hint and stop coming around.

LOOK -- Just because I finally get the shovel out, that is not an invitation to come over and play!
The cursing I do as I struggle to move you off my porch...that's not cute, and I'm not trying to start a conversation.

I'm sorry snow, but it's over between us. I'm angry...A-N-G-R-Y.
Please take a hint already and just move on.
You know, maybe if you could give me 8 months or so we could try to be friends again. Start slow, see if we could talk it out...hang out every now and then.
I'm just gonna need time, and some space...is that too much to ask?

Banner Day

BIG SISTER HAS GOOD IDEA

I'm such a terrible little sister I can no longer remember said idea....
But I do remember it was GOOD
So mark your calendar folks, mark your calendar.
This is the day!

just the reassurance you were looking for

My mother in law just called to tell me a story that's had her cracking up all day.

Yesterday was a Babka day for Esme, while they are in the car babka usually tells her the story of goldilocks.
Yesterday she thought she would get creative and told her Tikki-Tikki-Tembo-No-Sa-Rembo instead.
After the first telling Esme requested she tell it again.. As soon as the story ended Esme said:

"That is a REALLY boring story Babka, but don't worry, you won't ever have to tell it again!"

At least it didn't end with a trip to the emergency room...oh wait

Monkey and I are dog sitting.
We've been here two weeks already and have one more week to go.
This weekend we have two dogs.
One of these dogs is my friend's and the other belongs to her parents. We're staying at her parents house which is "next door" to hers. Next door in the country here means a five minute walk through the woods or a quick drive up one driveway and down the one next door.
When we're all at my friends house these dogs go out for hours on end. Hours! You put them outside and hours later realize, maybe someone should go down and let them in.
While everyone's been gone these same dogs will stay outside for 10 min. MAX.
It's fine, it doesn't really matter to me, it's just that the short stints outside result in a lot of pacing on the part of one of the dogs.

Today after I put monkey down for her nap I put the dogs outside. An hour later I realized I didn't hear any scratching or barking to come back in. once I leaned outside I could hear the dogs barking in the distance but no amount of yelling would bring them home. This of course got me worried (because that's what mom's do, on a practically professional level, as far as I can tell.) worried, not only because as I've already mentioned we're out in the country (in country where you can hear the wolves every night) but also because I could hear the plows going by every time I stuck my head out the door to call for the ever barking mutts.
I really don't want to be that dog sitter where you come home and there is no dog...
Barking....that can mean trouble right?
Can't leave the sleeping child...even to run next door and see if that's where the dogs are....
Shouldn't leave the child right?
Dogs? Other peoples dogs....
The kid will be fine...leave the kid?
Can't leave the kid...dogs are fine! Dogs must be fine!

Finally the kid wakes up (still talking about exactly what she was talking about right before she went to sleep, how do they do that?). Immediately we put on coats and boots and head out to the car to go check next door for the dogs....
We jump in the car and...Nothing!  You heard it nothing....the car won't start. It's an old car and finally I did it. I turned the headlights on for the drive home from church in the snow storm and when we got home I forgot to turn them off. No problem! we're parked right outside the garage with two other cars inside...one of them must have jumper cables.
Hmmm....no jumper cables....This calls for a more thorough appraisal of the garage and perhaps a plan B or at this rate C.
Are those children's snow shoes? right on top of Adult snowshoes?  Perfect, we'll walk next door and retrieve the dogs....wait, two children's snow shoes, on top of One adult snow shoe. Who has three snowshoes and how could this get worse? Ohh....I should not have even thought that.
Okay, we can't drive, we can't walk (monkey will never make it in all this snow), what can I do...It would be so helpful if there were jumper cables somewhere in this garage, jumper cables like those ones (back up a few steps) there they are! inside that box....jumper cables.

So...just a little recap here, I've got:
*One monkey screaming in the back of my car...the car that won't start
*Two missing dogs....but at least I can hear them barking (a positive I think...)
*Three snowshoes (I'm still a bit baffled by this one...three?? snowshoes?)
*Jumper cables and two cars...so things are looking up!

Ever since this one time in college when a friend used my car and my jumper cables to jump a strangers car I'm a bit of a nervous jumper. See the result in that incident was that the strangers car started but mine then would not. Something about reversed cables and...something...and a hundred or so dollars and an unexpected tow truck ride later we finally left New Hampshire...anyway I always just get a little nervous.
So I did the logical thing and called my dad....just to clarify that I was going to do it the right way.
Where did my dad answer from you might ask? Well you would if you were psychic and had any idea that my dad answered from the emergency room!

Yes the emergency room (could this afternoon get any better). He's been sick with a bronchial problem that's not getting better and a 2 1/2 hour wait at urgent care yesterday wasn't enough for him it turns out. Anyway as a daughter who always puts others first I viewed this call as a great distraction from the no doubt torturous wait my dad was enduring and went ahead and asked my jumper cable question.
In the middle of our conversation I dropped my phone in the snow and it then decided on it's own that I wanted to be talking to my dad on a head set. (God bless technology). quick end to that conversation.
And in the middle of all of this, two rambunctious dogs came racing up to the house...
"whatcha' doin? whatcha' doin? are we getting in the car? are we going somewhere?"
I was too excited they were back to even be annoyed at their stupid questions!

So one last recap, I've now got:
*A child screaming because she wants out of the car
*Two dogs racing about being all excited that we're going on an adventure
*Still got those three? snow shoes!
*A car that won't start...but also jumper cables and another car to start it with
*A father in the emergency room

When is my nap time?

There's a reason I own a book called How to Cook Everything

Honestly Ms. Crocker....you know we're not all happy housewives out here and I am appalled that you are not even able to give me some idea how long I should plan to run on the elliptical while waiting for my sweet potato to bake.

Have I mentioned that I hate daddy days? Not that my three year old knows how long to bake a potato but she can make a damn good loaf of bread so honestly...maybe she should be cooking me dinner.

Anyway, thank goodness for the online. I'll happily eat my potato cooked at 450 degrees in 20-30 min.

Goodbye or just See Ya Later?

To add insult to injury I really feel like I had to give up a friend today. Husband and I have had one friend for a few years who I think it's safe to say we are equally friends with. I think this doesn't happen very often in a marriage and it definitely has it's up and down sides. He doesn't make many friends and so despite my becoming close to this friend first I really thought it was great for him to have someone he could actually talk to.
My desire for him to be a normal human being, have friends, not totally hate interacting with humans in social settings was so strong that I was able to overlook my jealousy that this friend was a woman who would accompany him out for happy hour. I was often invited as well...and 90% of the time I successfully overcame my jealousy of this relationship. Even when he choose her over his brother to drive halfway across the country together in a UHaul. I mustered every ounce of willpower I had and turned it into understanding.
I really just wanted him to be happy.
Coincidentally this friend is finding her marriage crashing down at the same time as ours. Her response has been to flee home to family and sequester herself. I've been really supportive of this move and have only communicated with her minimally.
I found out today after e mailing to wish her a happy birthday that she has been talking with my husband. She knows "how bad my situation is" and wouldn't wish this on anyone. But is not ready to talk yet.
I think this was the last straw for me.
I don't want this next phase to be characterized by his vs. mine...I don't want to only talk to people sympathetic to "my side". I want to continue to be a well rounded person and I want both of us to continue to communicate with the people who matter. But this one case feels different.
Am I being rash? Am I going to change my mind in a few months?  Who knows...but I feel really betrayed.
I think almost all of you reading this blog know that I am not one who says goodbye to friends. We may not talk for long stretches of time but we always come back.
I think for the first time in 8 years and possibly only the third time in my life I have to say goodbye to a friend I really care about. A person I find it easy and fun to be with. Someone I can have a dance party with followed (or more wisely preceded) by a serious life's a bitch but what do we now conversation.
You'd think given my itinerant lifestyle I'd be good at goodbyes. But there really haven't been many of those, it's always more of a see ya later. My gut just tells me this one is different.

So....ya'll are to me what cuisinart is to food....get in here and help me process.

Lights, Camera, Action

Well, it's movie weekend, it would have been a pity to ruin my long running streak of seeing none of the movies nominated for acadamy awards. So when a friend suggested we watch Miss Potter I hesitantly agreed
A. to prove I am capable of watching something other than Gilmore Girls even when it is a suggested option.
B. because we were at her house, it was her netflix seemed like the right thing to do.
C. mostly because this particular friend and I have one movie mantra: "It can't be worse than the Bounty Hunter"
 (except that one movie with what's her name from SNL and all the dogs and it was supposed to have this major ":redemption" near the end, they actually used the word redemption on the box, but there was no redemption and we kept waiting and it kept getting worse and worse....THAT is the only movie worse than Bounty Hunter)

I am however here to report that we both really enjoyed Miss Potter. Renee Zelweger did a great job portraying the author and I was amazed to learn the story of her life. I've never been a huge fan of Beatrix Potter books (I know, I know you can stone me later) The stories are fine and the pictures are beautiful but they just aren't anything that's ever grabbed me.
I have to say though after seeing this movie I may begin reading more of the stories to my little monkey. There were several parts of the movie where we couldn't decide if Beatrix was slightly crazy and thankfully had her art as an outlet or if she was just slightly crazy.
In any case she was a woman ahead of her time and her perseverance, vision and commitment to the things she cared about were inspiring.
I would highly recommend the movie if you haven't seen it. It would even be a good one for older kids if you have a budding artist at home. There were some great scenes about how she created the stories and showing her painting and interacting with her characters (hence the crazy...but still good).

We did watch a few minutes of the Acadamy Awards tonight (had to see the dresses) and my monkey took one look at Anne Hathaway and said "Mama I want to be that lady...she has long AND curly hair".  I told her I was in, I'll do whatever I can to help her become that lady and as soon as she got that famous she could just support me and all would be well.  I'll keep you posted!

Handling Lots of Things

I had a mama night tonight. That's what my daughter calls it when she spends the night with me.
There are Mama, Daddy, Babka or Daycare Days. And now there are Mama or Daddy nights.
For better or for worse neither my husband nor I have officially discussed (that I know of) the current changes with our daughter. I find it sort of surprising that she hasn't yet wondered why there are no more mama AND daddy nights...I guess it's early days yet.

Anyway, I don't like the Daddy nights. Don't get me wrong there are some wonderful aspects to having some evenings to myself. I was a single mom all summer and every now and then I REALLY wanted an evening to myself, but only because I knew I was unlikely to get it I think. Now it just feels wrong. I didn't sign up to be a part time mom. I think being a mom is an all or nothing thing, all or nothing in that you're a mom all the time (like right now when my daughter is lying in bed sobbing I want mommy time) or you don't become a mom.


Okay...so that part time mom thing, I guess it means when it's your time you're even more on. I went and had a little more mama time, we cuddled, I "itched the skin on her back", I even went to make sure that the "magic toilet" hadn't closed the lid by itself. (Don't ask me, it's not a magic toilet and the lid was still up...)


So where was I, I'm a mom and I really don't mind her being with her dad. I just want her to be with me...I guess they call that jealousy huh? I think that may be about the only thing I've had resentment over so far. That he took away my family, you know my ability to have a family unit that all lives under one roof and enjoys being with each other.
Realistically he took that away a long time ago for all intents and purposes, we were just really good at pretending every now and then.

That wasn't really so much fun either.

The best part of my day today (the best part of any day really) was when monkey (that's what we've always called my daughter) and I were walking to the car from the pool. I had the swimsuits, towels, my mittens, my purse and her noodle. She looks at me and says "Mom you are so good at handling lots of things"

Kid...you don't even know.

Domestic Partnership

Just saw a friend update their facebook status to "now in a domestic partnership"
His response (as a gay man) was "finally a proper name for it"
I couldn't resist thinking -- totally a proper name.

And really who wants a marriage when you could have a domestic partnership. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I want a same sex partner, not that there's anything wrong with that (thank you Seinfeld).
I'm just saying I was in a marriage for years that was not a domestic partnership. (hits self on head, as light bulb illumines above) That's why I was miserable so often.

I want a partner!

How I Accidentally Moved to Stars Hollow

No seriously…I accidentally moved to Stars Hollow. I’ve been a Gilmore Girls addict for as long as I can remember. I missed out on the original run of the show but I own all the DVDs. I am even unembarrassed to say that my daughter was addicted by the age of two. I nursed her to sleep almost every night of her infant life with the Gilmore Girls on in the background. It was my falling asleep show. It didn’t take long before she figured out I would drop anything and cuddle on the couch with her if she just asked to watch “The Girls”.

So anyway…We just moved to this little town last May. We’ve vacationed here practically once a year (often more) for the last 8 or 9 years. I’ve never lived in a town this small. I’ve been a big city girl most of my adult life. I grew up in a small town of 15,000. That might as well be a city compared to this hamlet of 1,412. Smaller than my high school and about the same size as my college, which tells you a lot actually.

News spreads here about as fast as it did in college, everybody is equally in involved in everybody else’s business
(i.e. my best friend and I just walked past this guy the other day, right after discussing my husband’s inability to even be civil to her these days, and she said: “see I can even say hi to that guy and he tried to strangle his wife in the shower last week”).
This level of involvement in every detail of everyone else’s life means people take care of each other. Bet you didn’t see that one coming huh?

I offhandedly said to a co-worker “I had no idea I was moving to the middle of nowhere so my marriage could fall apart.” Her very astute response was that I couldn’t have gone anywhere better. And she’s right.

I’ve been offered support, encouragement and friendship by so many in such a short time. Last night I stopped at the local coffee shop with a friend (something I’ve literally only done 3 times since I moved to town). I happened to meet the owner. It came out in a rather random way what was going on in my life. Her immediate response was: “Well I will find you and your daughter a place to live, this is what I do, I’ll find it for you. Trust me”

And I did. Where else would this happen and how did I get lucky enough to get dropped in this place at just the right time? My coffee godmother came up with three suggestions before I left the shop and called me with one more today.

It’s going to be okay!

As I’m in the market for not just a new place to live but also a new job I figure it’s about time I find an inn to run or something right? And if only I had a Luke’s to cook me unlimited close to free food.

But the thing I forgot to tell you is about the flags. Not long after moving here I suspected that I had landed in Stars Hollow and it was totally confirmed the day I went to cross the street (one block west of the one stop light). They had posted these signs and cups full of little orange flags on either side of the street. The signs said “to increase your safety please take a flag before crossing the street.” I almost fell over, I’m not even exaggerating. The only thing I could think was that I was sad I had missed the town meeting (you know there must have been one) where they had decided this was a good idea, probably not though because it must have been Taylor's idea, little orange flags to cross the street it just reeks of Taylor.

This is my Stars Hollow, now I guess I just need a Luke…or Christopher…or Max, you know eventually.

The beginning of....the beginning

Flash forward to the present...it was so interesting when I went looking for this blog I knew I had started years ago...I had no recollection of what I had said...and yet here I am in the same place...two years later....only finally moving forward!

Huzzah to the forward movement! on we go...


My husband and I are separating....I suppose I should have seen it coming. Not that I didn't.
It's been coming for a long time, and I saw it. Loping at me in this lazy but inevitable pace.
I guess I just feel like I should have seen it coming at say...our wedding? The first time we broke up while dating? The second time we broke up while dating? The random conversation we had during a troubling time a few years ago when he out of nowhere announced he wasn't even sure he would "fight for our daughter if we ever divorced".
So here we are. He ran out of energy for me...and our marriage (I told you the end came loping at a lazy pace). Apparently he's pretty much out of energy altogether because when, after this lack of energy pronouncement, I requested he move out of the house he refused. I say here we are (see beginning of this sentence) because my income (and his half income) only affords enough rent for one house, one set of bills. He refused to move so we're all living in the same house for now.
I told a friend the other day that I was contemplating my next move....she started throwing states out there. A very understanding assumption on her part given our families history. But shockingly I'm not going anywhere fast. I'm trying to figure out my next step.
Who am I (other than the person who's spent the last 8 years trying to make my husband's life easier, happier)? What kind of job do I wish I had? Where do I want to raise my daughter?


This is the beginning of my journey.

something about women

( I wrote this blog post way back in May of 2009. I rediscovered it when I rekindled this blog...thought I'd post it because I still like what I was saying...enjoy)
I think there must be something, about women perhaps in particular, who lost their mothers (or maybe any parent) early in life.
I think maybe we have some sense that we must continue redeeming that huge error in the world by fixing everything for the rest of our lives.
I was just watching an old show called Tru (something or other). and I can really relate to this girl.
It is also definitely transferable to my marriage.
Contrary to popular belief I don't think I'm perfect; but I do think that 9 times out of 10 I try harder than almost everyone around me.
I mean really, I work two jobs (35 hours per week) and raise my daughter full time with 8-12 hours of child care per week.
That's a lot.
And still my husband says to me, just tonight in fact, that I wouldn't last a day doing his job.
Honestly!
I think without knowing anything about it...without having gone to school for what he does (which is required of everyone who does what he does) I could do his job any day,
quicker.
with my hands tied behind my back.
So how do I act understanding, and compassionate, and loving, and supportive...in order to keep my marriage okay?
Which is what I have to do...right?
So...Mom, the source of my motivation and impetus of my need to make everything better...how do i do it? How did you do it? Why? or did you ?
it's a daily battle...is it this much of a daily battle for everyone?
I really wonder...should it be?